Rules for Living: The Hidden Patterns That Keep Self-Esteem Stuck
When self-esteem is low, it’s common to develop unspoken rules for how you “should” behave - often without even realising it. In CBT, we call these “rules for living.”
At first, these rules can feel helpful - like ways to avoid being judged, rejected, or getting things wrong. But over time, they can create pressure, keep you stuck, and make it harder to feel confident in yourself.
What Do These Rules Sound Like?
These rules often show up as quiet expectations you place on yourself, like:
“As long as I keep everyone happy, no one will be upset with me.”
“If I avoid taking risks, I won’t mess anything up.”
“If I do everything perfectly, people will respect me.”\
“If I don’t show when I’m struggling, people won’t think less of me.”
Often, these patterns develop in response to earlier experiences - like feeling criticised, left out, or worried about not being accepted. They can feel like a way of staying safe, even if they start to feel exhausting over time.
How Rules for Living Keep Self-Esteem Low
Even though these rules are often well-intentioned, they can set unrealistic expectations. Rather than helping you feel confident, they can create anxiety and self-criticism.
For example:
If your rule is “I must always get things right,” even small mistakes can feel like huge failures.
If your rule is “I must avoid upsetting others,” setting boundaries may feel impossible, even when it’s what you need.
Because the rules are rigid, there’s little room for being human - for making mistakes, having needs, or learning through experience.
Why These Rules Feel So Hard to Break
Most people don’t consciously choose these patterns - they develop as ways to cope and protect yourself in situations that once felt unsafe or overwhelming. Over time, even when life circumstances change, the rules can remain.
Letting go of them can feel scary at first because they feel familiar and safe. Part of you might worry that without them, you’ll be more vulnerable to rejection, failure, or things going wrong. CBT can help you gently explore these rules without judgement and find new, more flexible ways of thinking and responding that support your confidence rather than keep you stuck.
How CBT Helps with Rules for Living
In therapy, we might work together to:
Notice which rules are influencing your behaviour
Explore where they came from
Understand how they affect your confidence and wellbeing
Experiment with small, safe steps to loosen the rules
Build flexibility, self-compassion, and more balanced expectations of yourself
The goal isn’t to ignore challenges or pretend everything is fine. It’s about helping you feel more comfortable in yourself, let go of some of the pressure, and live in a way that feels more true to what matters to you.
Final Thoughts
Rules for living often begin as ways to help us feel safe - but over time, they can quietly turn into patterns that leave you feeling restricted, exhausted, or never quite good enough. The good news is that these patterns aren’t fixed.
With support, it’s possible to explore where these rules have come from, gently challenge them, and create space to live in a way that feels lighter, freer, and more true to you.
If you recognise these patterns in yourself and would like support in breaking free from them, I’d be happy to talk through how CBT might help you feel more confident and at ease with yourself.