5 CBT-Based Ways to Build Self-Esteem

5 CBT-Based Ways to Build Self-Esteem

If you struggle with low self-esteem, you probably know how exhausting it can feel — the constant self-doubt, second-guessing, and harsh self-talk. It can feel like you’re stuck in a cycle that’s hard to break.

While there’s no quick fix,  CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) offers gentle, practical ways to start shifting these patterns. Here are five CBT-based approaches that can help you begin building self-esteem

1 - Start Noticing Self-Critical Thoughts

Low self-esteem often comes with a harsh inner voice that automatically jumps to criticism. You might catch yourself thinking:

 “I’m useless.”

 “I always mess things up.”

 “No one really likes me.”

The first step isn’t to argue with these thoughts — just start noticing when they show up. Simply becoming aware of them helps create a bit of distance between you and the thought, which makes space for change.

For example: You might jot them down in a notebook, keep a note on your phone, or simply pause and mentally acknowledge, “That was a self-critical thought.” You don’t need to analyze them straight away — just start collecting them and noticing the patterns.

2 - Explore the Rules You’re Living By

Many people with low self-esteem develop unspoken rules designed to protect themselves from rejection or failure. You might not even realise these rules are there, but they often sound like:

“As long as I keep everyone happy, no one will get upset with me.” –

“If I avoid taking risks, I won’t mess anything up.”

 “If I do everything perfectly, people will respect me.”

“If I don’t show when I’m struggling, people won’t think less of me.”

These rules often feel helpful at first, but over time they create pressure and keep self-esteem stuck. Simply starting to recognise them is an important first step.

If you’re not sure what your rules are, you can start by asking yourself:

• What do I feel I need to do to keep people happy or avoid upsetting anyone?

• Are there situations I tend to avoid because I’m scared of messing up or getting it wrong?

• Do I put pressure on myself to always get things right or be perfect?

• What am I worried might happen if I didn’t follow this rule?

• Are there things I tell myself I “should” do, even when it feels exhausting?

3 - Try Small Experiments

Once you’ve started noticing your self-critical thoughts and the rules you’re living by, you can begin gently testing them out. For example, if you worry that saying no will make people dislike you, you might practice setting a small boundary (like saying no) and see how people actually respond.

Often, the feared outcome doesn’t happen, or it’s not as bad as you imagined. These small experiments help you gather real-life evidence, which can slowly loosen the grip of old beliefs.

You might try:

• Saying no to something small instead of automatically saying yes

• Sharing your opinion in a conversation, even if you worry others might disagree

• Asking for help with something, instead of feeling you have to manage it all on your own

• Letting a small mistake stay as it is, without trying to immediately fix or hide it

4 - Practice Balanced Self-Reflection

When your self-esteem is low, it’s easy to focus only on what went wrong. Balanced self-reflection means recognising both the difficulties and what went well.

For example: “I was nervous in the meeting, but I still shared my idea, and my colleague agreed with it.”

One helpful way to practice is to check in with yourself at the end of the day and ask:

• What felt hard today?

• What went okay or better than I expected?

• What can I give myself credit for, even if it was small?

It’s not about ignoring struggles — it’s about giving yourself a fairer view.

5 - Build Self-Compassion Into Your Day

Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook — it’s about responding to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.

Small shifts can make a big difference, like:

• Using gentler language with yourself (e.g. swap “I’m useless” for “I found that hard, but I did my best.”

• Noticing progress, even when it’s small (it all adds up)

• Allowing yourself to rest without guilt (your mind and body need it)

• Reminding yourself that struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing (progress isn’t always easy)

Self-compassion isn’t always easy at first, especially because many of us have grown up with the idea that being kind to ourselves is somehow selfish, vain, or bigheaded. But that isn’t true — self-compassion isn’t about thinking you’re better than others, it’s about treating yourself with the same care you would offer to someone you care about. Over time, it can help you build confidence and treat yourself with more kindness.

Final Thoughts

Building self-esteem takes time — but even small, consistent steps can start to shift those old patterns and gently build confidence.

If you recognise yourself in any of this and would like some support, CBT can offer a safe, structured space to explore these patterns and work towards a more balanced, compassionate relationship with yourself.

If you’re curious about whether therapy might help, I’d be very happy to have a chat and see if it feels like a good fit.